You've Gotta Wise Up

For Chist's Sake Take Care Of Yourself

I lived it full and I lived it well, there's many tales I've lived to tell. I'm ready now
I always wanted to a write a memoir, I think I started it writing him that 15 page letter- I spilled unto the pages, everything these last couple months brought out of me, the happiness the pain the rawness. It's been a week and a half since I delivered it into his hands, He has not read the first sentence yet, and still ... It's out there, It's out of me, so I feel better.
I want to grow, but i know my growth is crippled, I'm reliving things that will never come as more than they once were. But I am hoping one day I'll find someone or something that let's me grow.

"I Asked God Who I'm Supposed To Be"

There's a truth in your eyes

Crawfordsville Indiana, two bottles of whiskey, a wedding, and a hotel room.

I didn't know what ot expect out of this weekend, but i am happy with the results.

Like one small bird in a Broken tree.
went home for four days, and i feel so happy.

The Less.
i'm really mad.

a girl should never have to walk home alone in the middleof the night, i don't care how busy you are cleaning your garage.

the most i've wrote in months: Pausing in Life's Pleasures

The last couple weeks have been rough, to say the least, I don't feel like I'm in my own life, just sitting by watching shit happen. I started reading a book, Loose Girl, but it's not cut and dry sex, it's much more complicated. This girl has sex to fill this gap, substituting it for love, which is what she really needs/wants. I love reading, but I hate how involved I become. I feel like i'm living that life, when clearly I'm not. But I suppose their our similarities to my own life, the way she choreographs her movements and what she says to get where she wants, although she looks for instant gratification whereas I try to find something much more lasting. 

English is what i want to do with my life, but it gets so hard sometimes, to not fall into the books and lose myself to them. Coupled with alcohol, not my finest moment, not that I care much, I got a lot off my chest. I said things I've wanted to say and things I had no one to really say them to so I just let them go in the whirlwind between the bathroom floor and toilet. 

It's time to get my ship into shape, I'm through with not being worth it, to people who I've cared so much for and tried so hard to help/fix/love. For the last year it seems I've not been worth it to try, to call, to appreciate, to in the very least say thank you. --this sounds awful, there are good friends who listen and give back, and they are greatly appreciated, around them I feel like I can breathe, like it's Autumn again when Sarah and I listened to Owen and walked everywhere and talked about everything(from Ayn Rand to bread in palms to True Love). 

I don't know if I'm happy or not, I don't really know anything anymore, and it's okay because it just means I can start back at sqaure one(it took a world of trouble it took a world of tears it took a long time to get back here). I know this fresh feeling won't last long, probably not through the night, but I'll try holding it as long as I can and do something good with it.

I really miss what really did exist.
I got wasted last night, could barely stand trashed, and the one who always takes care of me during my far between moments of drunken foolishness was not there. But "the family" took care of me, i will miss them when i move out but i won't be far from them. and hopefully they'll still want me around as much as i want to be around.

To D(who might read this and might finally understand): 
"So why do you fill my sorrow 
With the words you've borrowed
From the only place you've known 
And why do you sinf Hallelujah
If it means nothing to you
Why do you sing with me at all?"

To R(who will never read this and know how i really feel):
"I'm no longer moved to drink strong whiskey
cause I shook the hand of time and I knew
that if I lived till I could no longer climb my stairs
I just don't think I'll ever get over you"

someone sent this to me once....
Art as Flirtation and Surrender

 by Rumi

In your light I learn how to love.

In your beauty, how to make poems.

You dance inside my chest,

where no one sees you,

but sometimes I do,

and that sight becomes this art.



for everything
which is natural which is infinite which is yes - e.e. cummings

to the most beautiful YES ever uttered: life itself - charles bukowski

Thing I wish I were Brave enough to really Say:


  1. "Leave him please, you deserve so much better. in my eyes you are beautiful, talented, and resourceful, i wish i were more like you- andi would never put up with him"

  2. ..... nevermind.

  3. "I think you are strong for loving someone in iraq, even though i hate this god damn war"

  4. "I had sex with you once, sober and hurried in the afternoon, don't act like you know exactly who i am"

  5. "I know what you are doing, you don't fool me for a minute, but it doesnt matter, it's much easier to act like I don't know what's going on" 



and i feel so much better.


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