You've Gotta Wise Up

For Chist's Sake Take Care Of Yourself

To Nostalgia
longhair
forgetursweater
wow. it has been an awful long time.
i had leaving these things on sad notes so if i never write on this journal again (doubtful, i'm so nostalgic... but still) then i just want to say, i'm happy or atleast i feel like things aren't so intense as how i used to feel them. everything just seems like it will all work out.

I'll come back when you call me.
longhair
forgetursweater
been too long since i've had anything to say, and still do i have something to say now? as i type this?
happiness is something i think occurs like moth wings in batting light beats, collecting as many beats in small increments of time or stretching specific beats for longer periods of time is the difficult part for me personally.
I have few regrets, but rushing is my biggest one.

You give me miles and miles of Mountains, and I'll ask for the Sea.
longhair
forgetursweater
Just write it, just put it out there, just let it out of myself.

I don't feel anything anymore. No butterflies when someone new leans in to kiss me or tells me i'm perfect and beautiful. 
Not since you. last spring, and summer, just having you hold me, kiss me at my door, even the sex. I can't even get wet anymore, for anyone, not since we slept together last June, the last time we made love not just fucked.
 
The thing is; I'm okay without you, I hear what you've been doing, who you've been sleeping with, see you at parties, and I don't feel love for you anymore, I don't cry for you anymore. 

But I don't feel anything for anyone. And i'm scared that life will go on and on, turning me in and out, and I won't feel intensity like that again. Someone will rub there fingers up my spines' knobs and i won't quake on the inside, feel the surge and blush in every cell.

Why Can't I? I just want to feel something, anything, god damnit. 
I'd like to atleast cry, and feel that catharsis afterward, but I haven't felt that in a long while either. 
The closest i've felt to love, or intensity of any kind was last night, when I climbed on a roof with the boys dearest to me and smoked a blunt while counting the few stars we could see in louisvilles' light polluted sky. I felt like I was in a very right place on a warm night.I think I said "i want this every night" and "this is my perfect moment" too much to count.

I know I am not empty, when I see babies or toddlers my heart feels light and hope develops. 
But I have not met a pair of eyes that can meet mine and melt me.
I need to Thaw. I desperately want to.


 

You can store your innocence away.
longhair
forgetursweater
 So, hair chopped off. 
But still at a length that it can be bobby pinned and things, so i need ideas, because i have no idea how to fix short hair! 
please please leave ideas

4 a.m.
longhair
forgetursweater
 "Maybe all this time, we've been held down by the heavy weights of our own thoughts. Maybe all this time we've searched around, it's been so long, that we forgot, what we want, what we want, what we want, what we want we already got."

Sometimes, I feel torn, like i'm so young that there's no use in making plans- in loving someone- in being disappointed, but  also i feel so old like i am ready for someone to love me- to have sleepy couch days. But it's so strange, to put a broken heart behind you, and you look at this mangled thing it used to be, and it's better, it doesn't throb and ache constantly, but it's not being used in the way it was intended.
being awake, this late, without being intoxicated, and being alone, make me think about these things, and wonder if maybe it's something i'm doing wrong?

(no subject)
longhair
forgetursweater
 "Why would you ask me to spend the night with you if you thought i got with your roommate that same night?"
"Well if you had've got with him, that's whatever, I had my own agenda"
"that is literally disgusting"


I forgave him for calling me a liar, for being rude to me, but i just don't know how i'm going to forgive this conversation. 

I know my kingdom awaits and they've forgiven my mistakes.
longhair
forgetursweater
 is it possible, to only feel love when the weather's right? 
every time it gets warm, i feel like i can almost feel that again. 
in winter, i can't. it's impossible to feel that genuine stomach pulling heart squeezing feeling. unless under the influence of substances a little stronger than alcohol. 
but is it really possible that i can only feel this feeling when it's burning out. 

(no subject)
longhair
forgetursweater
i don't know what to write, nothing quite sounds the way i want it to. and everything is always about that one same person.

(no subject)
longhair
forgetursweater
six months and the letter lies unread between your matress.
two months and he decides to tell me he thinks relationships are based no convience not love or even the hope of love.
i am so sick of months.

Sometimes, only sometimes..
longhair
forgetursweater

Some people will never read the fifteen page letter you wrote them, but two months later will say they are leaving someone, just like you are doing, and try to kiss, try to imply things without the words that will trap them in their doings. These are the people that you can not hold on to, no matter how many pinky promises you makes or late night drunken phone calls where you cry because you are lost.

And then you’ll meet someone, maybe when you’re going into work so hung over you can barely drink soda without feeling puke in the back of your throat. They’ll give you there number and ask you out on a date, you’ll go and spend every day for the next couple weeks kissing them all over. You’ll visit your hometown and slow dance in your living to Wonderful Tonight and he’ll tell you that he doesn’t tell you this enough but that you are wonderful every night.

?

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